How To Be A Grumpy British Tourist In Manhattan

Plus: Wherever you are this Xmas it is possible to enjoy some pantomime mayhem on Cinderella budget. Here are some Fairy Godmother tips and tricks that will take you and your loved ones to the ball.

Photo credit: Ludovic Bertron, New York City, USA, Wikicommons -

A big welcome to my new readers, as well as to old friends. If you’re here for the pantos, and have limited interest in my recent adventures, you can skip straight to the next section.

1. Coming To America

I’m back. Two years ago I booked myself aboard Cunard’s fabulous ocean liner, the Queen Mary 2, for the Literature Festival At Sea 2024 transatlantic crossing from Southampton to New York.

My original plan was to align this bucket-list trip, inspired by the Cole Porter musical Anything Goes, with interesting stuff for my newsletter. I’d maybe try and interview a member of the onboard entertainments team, and when we docked in Brooklyn spend a few days watching cheap and eccentric off-off-off Broadway shows.

But then the US political situation deteriorated ahead of the Presidential election.

So reader, I bottled it. Instead, when we berthed at the Red Hook sea terminal, I spent a few hours gridlocked in mid-town, sitting in a Cunard-organised tour bus with a seatbelt that didn’t work. Then I flew home feeling queasy.

It was a disappointing experience. Our Noo Yoik tour guide boasted of her hard-boiled attitude and intimate knowledge of the Big Apple’s history — yet for some reason repeatedly struggled to understand what an ‘historical novelist’ was. (‘Historical’ and ‘novelist’. It isn’t hard.)

And, after six days of dining extraordinarily well onboard “the Mary”, it was a shock to find myself — because of the guide’s culmulative misreading of her affluent and literate audience — eating a fatty lump of pastrami and potato salad out of a plastic container whilst travelling through Queens on the coach to the airport.

It was, I brooded without any actual evidence, this dreadful woman’s desire to earn kickbacks from an over-priced deli near Times Square which had thwarted our promised trip to the legendary Macy’s. We spent so much time in the deli, arguing over muddled-up orders, that having been bullied to Times Square instead of Macy’s there was no chance to explore Broadway’s world-famous theatre district, which was the main reason I’d agreed to the change of itinerary. Instead, it was straight back on the bus with our pastrami and rye. (Or in my case, pastrami and two lettuce leaves because gluten upsets my gut.)

Nor was I overly impressed to have the brain-dead and fatuous ‘M&M Store’ pointed out to me — whilst the famous New York Public Library, so integral to US immigrant experience, went unremarked.

But life is full of strange reversals, and it was a joy to witness her startled expression when, in a futile attempt to regain her authority, she deliberately asked us an obscure question about New York’s past — and a coachload of Britishers chorused back the correct answer: “George II!”

I mean, who’s heard of George II? She wasn’t to know they’d all just attended a talk by on-board historian Tracy Borman.

And the genuinely blank look on the face of the elderly English vicar in the seat opposite, as she pointed out to him the block inhabited by popstar Taylor Swift, was also quietly satisfying. That’ll teach her, I thought, for trying to make us eat pizza (another kickback?) at 10 o’clock in the morning, which is against God, nature and the rightful order of things.

The British, when they co-ordinate in silent outrage, can be cruel. And, like that poor, struggling tour guide devoid of tips, the victim never hears the shot that kills them.

Princess, you shall go to the ball. Me in my cabin, dressed in second-hand Givenchy for Gala Night. Photo credit: Liz Ryan

If my visit to mid-town was brief and tawdry, the voyage to New York was like a dream — except, ironically enough for one who styles herself a theatre critic, the Mary’s patchy Royal Court Theatre entz. I was forced out of an onboard performance by the pop-opera trio Bella Popera by a painfully loud sound system. The comedian was of a type I thought had been hunted to extinction by Alexei Sayle, Ben Elton and other Comedy Store regulars in the early 1980s.

And the dance troupe — well, the dancers were the saving grace. They performed predictable routines to 21st-century Broadway tunes but showed every sign of loving what they did. It was heart-warming to see dancers so obviously enjoying themselves. Yet the show didn’t lack polish. It’s easy to neglect that element of sheer joy in co-ordinated movement.

And now I’m home. Back to Yorkshire’s dreary winter weather, emitting small whimpers of financial distress every time I remember how much this absurd nautical adventure cost me relative to my income. But it was worth it. My elegant state room felt more ‘Rose’ than ‘Jack’, and I will never forget going under the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge and seeing the Statue of Liberty and the Manhattan skyline just before dawn from the Observation Deck of the ship.

It was an experience that put me in contact with the hearts and emotions of many millions of European immigrants travelling to America before me. I will always treasure it. And having finally lost my New York cherry, I’ll visit properly next time and see lots of shows.

Here’s a video of our spectacular arrival in New York Harbor (photo credit: StreamTime Live).

2. Pantomime Without The Price Tag

Jack and the Beanstalk cast and the Golden Goose at the City Varieties, Leeds to Jan 12 . Photo credit Ant Robling

Imagine, for a moment, that you have slipped through a portal in reality and woken up as a character in a children’s novel. You are now living in a large house in Kensington, London, with a cook and a maid. One day, the household’s paterfamilias looks up from his breakfast newspaper and announces that he has booked a family trip to the pantomime on Christmas Eve. Two absent-minded parents, three dubiously acquired foster kids attending a ballet school, a straightlaced nanny with nose-twitching magical powers, and a small Peruvian bear — in today’s prices, this perfectly normal British family outing could set you back £1,575.

That’s for the best seats at London Palladium, so it’s probably at the upper end of what it is possible to spend in the West End. (Although I wouldn’t bank on it. There are likely further premium options for the super-rich if extra cushions and champagne on arrival matter to you.)

Here in the North, it’s cheaper. But these are the equivalent sums for six good seats at a mainstage pantomime on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day: Snow White at the Sheffield Lyceum £258; The Adventures Of Pinocchio at the Bradford Alhambra £274.50; Goldilocks And The Three Bears at Hull New Theatre £216; Cinderella at the Theatre Royal Wakefield £228; Aladdin at the Theatre Royal York £255; Beauty And The Beast at the Grand Opera House York £402.

Bridlington Spa’s 2024 panto, Jack And The Beanstalk, respectably produced by panto specialists Paul Holman Associates, is at the lower end of this ballpark. The East Yorkshire coastal communities are poor but at least in Brid people can take advantage of a payment plan. I wish more theatres did this.

Clearly, if price is your main consideration, it pays to shop around. But here are other points to bear in mind:

When you go really matters

Opening tonight: Snow White at Sheffield Lyceum to Jan 5. Photo credit: VOX Multimedia (with a prize for anyone who locates the missing dwarf (not really))

A typical price string for a big show at a major theatre may go something like this: Friday and Saturday evenings expensive, midweek and matinees cheaper, with midweek matinees cheapest of all.

But in pantomime season this predictable structure goes out the window. Ticket prices shoot up near Christmas and can be substantially more affordable at the start of the run and in the chilly wastes of January. On January 16 at the Alhambra, the same seats will cost you £231.25, a saving of £43.25 compared with Christmas Eve to see exactly the same show.

Nor are matinees cheaper. During the Christmas holidays child-friendly day-time performances are much in demand so can be more expensive.

Whereas matinees during term-time will be full of school parties. Wangling your way onto a school trip as a Helper to take advantage of a free ticket, or at least group pricing, and then sitting next to your grandchildren, is a neat ruse — if you have a high tolerance for other children’s sick.

Too late for this year, but a point to bear in mind for next, is that substantial savings can also be made at the very start of the run. The first few shows, known as previews, are when the performance and technical support is bedded in ahead of press night. They can be much cheaper: this year the tickets for Sheffield Theatres’ two Snow White preview shows at the Lyceum on Dec 7 cost just £15 each.

Don’t neglect boxes

Photo by Vlah Dumitru on Unsplash

When I was young I thought watching a show from a box was the epitome of glamour. I didn’t know that boxes with their more restricted view of the stage, aren’t any more expensive. A four-seater box at the Theatre Royal Wakefield on Friday Dec 20 costs £132 whilst four Band A seats on that night would cost £152.

Boxes also have individual chairs rather than row seating, and access is through a door from a corridor. So if any member of your party cannot sit still for long periods, they are worth considering. However, both access and sightlines vary hugely from theatre to theatre so always check first.

Babes in arms — please don’t!

Some theatres do not charge for children as long as they are small enough to sit on someone’s knee. I acknowledge the need for this — but, on the whole, please don’t. Noises are loud, crocodiles fierce and ugly sisters cruel and nasty. Other audience members have paid over good money and don’t wish to hear your precious one wailing at that exact shrill pitch designed by nature to maximise human adult attention.

Eventually, shamed by angry glares (that’ll be me, contemplating infanticide), you’ll carry junior out into the bar area and sit there miserably by yourself until you can guilt trip a relative into taking you home. For less than the price of your wasted ticket you could have been lying down in your peaceful, warm living room with a bottle of gin, the 1995 BBC series of Pride And Prejudice on the telly (or Top Gear, I don’t care) and a sleeping toddler upstairs.

Sweet little children’s shows — please do!

Jayden Reid in Mr Snow. Photo credit: Charlie Swinbourne

Many theatres work overtime at Christmas to provide an age-appropriate show in their second or studio space for smaller children. Children’s shows are often painfully right-on. (Tutti Frutti Theatre Company, for instance, insists on referencing some mysterious entity called the ‘global majority’ and I haven’t a clue what this might logically mean. Han Chinese? Indians?)

But sometimes children’s shows are inclusive in a good, rather than a ridiculous, way. This year Leeds Playhouse have commissioned Mr Snow from writer Robert Alan Evans. It’s performed by a deaf lead actor, Jayden Reid, and is deaf-friendly, with British Sign Language performance and creative audio-description available. To Jan 5, £15-£23

Such shows can be significantly cheaper than the mainstage panto production. The Stephen Joseph Theatre in Scarborough has Captain Cliff and the Seagull Squad for the under-sixes (Dec 12-21, £6) compared with Aladdin in their mainstage auditorium The Round (to Dec 28, £10-£24). Tickets for Jack Frost’s Christmas Wish created by the tireless Godber clan, at Pocklington Arts Centre, Dec 12-24, cost just £10 & £14 with an additional discount for a family of four.

Understand What A ‘Relaxed’ Performance Is

If you don’t wish to waste money, pay attention to those little symbols in the booking software. A ‘relaxed’ performance (eg Snow White at Sheffield Lyceum, Dec 12, caters for neuro-diverse people, with reduced levels of noise, lights and special effects. Whereas the ‘signed’ performance on Dec 13 features a BSL interpreter visible on the stage. Both are admirable 21st-centure developments but make sure it’s what you want.

Make Sure It’s Child-Friendly

Whilst most pantomimes are aimed at families, a small number aren’t. Such ‘adult’ offerings can usually (but not always) be identified by spoof titles such as Sinderella, or Not Another Dick At City Hall. They feature playbills in which the bosomy heroine is falling out of her dress, or some leering men in RuPaul-style drag.

You might think this is obvious, but my friend Philip Meeks wrote a one-man play, Twinkle Little Star, in which an elderly panto dame reminisced from his dressing room about the painful days before homosexuality was legalised in the UK.

It was a fantastic drama, full of accurate social detail, and the superb Kenneth Alan Taylor, himself an acclaimed dame, starred in it.

One night a large, working-class family turned up, attracted by the publicity poster showing Taylor in his full rig. Did they walk out once it became clear what they were in for? No. They stayed to the end and showed every sign of enjoying the performance. But Meeks’s explicit play was Art, whereas Jack And His Giant Stalk or A Lad In probably isn’t. So:

The Wizard Of Oz, starring a bevy of drag queens, tours the north in the New Year, calling at Middlesbrough Town Hall, Jan 29 (£29.50-£44.50) and Scarborough Spa, Feb 7 (£33.70), Montgomery Theatre And Arts Centre, Sheffield, Feb 9,

Sleeping Beauty, presented by Pissed Up Panto, includes a savage drinking challenge. Middlesbrough Theatre, Feb 14, £27.50, £31.

Small, local venues can mean big panto savings — with no sacrifice of quality

Check out Irita Sluka’s account of two memorable Ugly Sisters at York Theatre Royal here

And this, my friends, is where the rubber hits the road if you really wish to give your kids a magical Christmas while saving your dosh. At its finest, watching two skilled Ugly Sisters (see above), elaborately kitted out and whipping up a large audience of kids into a frenzy of boos and hisses, is joyous. The shadow side is empty celebrity vehicles with no local connection, stuffed with 15-minute soap or Strictly stars of limited talent. That also happens.

Smaller companies must instead rely on modest costumes and special effects, good storytelling and talented actors. And with any luck you might get tea from an urn and a custard cream at the interval for a quid.

Here are a few you might consider in Yorkshire:

Small-scale touring company Badapple Theatre are touring Sleeping Beauty & The Beast, written and directed by Richard Kay, to 27 rural venues across the North East Dec 13-Jan 5. Tickets are typically in the region £5-£10.

Hull-based Middle Child Theatre present their homegrown hit Treasure Island at Hull Social, Dec 20-29, £13.50-£19.50 with concs available.

Mother Goose, presented by amateur company Rowntree Players, at the community-run Rowntree Theatre, is also likely to be a solid offering. Opens tonight, to Dec 14, £18 & £20.

Peter Pan-to at Bingley Arts Centre Dec 11-£14, presented by the kids of Bolt Academy performing arts school, is a steal at £16 per ticket.

And following on from last year’s successful Hansel & Gretel, the Junction, Goole, present their second-ever in-house panto production: Beauty & The Beast, Dec 10-29, £13 & £17.

Round The World…

Peter Duncan’s Panto Online is delightfully low-rent, and this is reflected in the watch-at-home price of £10 each for Cinderella, Jack And The Beanstalk and Pantoland, or £15 for all three (to Jan 26). If you’re uncertain how the audience participation works, there’s even a how-to guide in the website’s About Us section.

If I’m not in touch before, do have a great Christmas.

Liz x